When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Mornin
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’m good, thanks.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.