The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.