Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”