CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”