I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 馃お馃槀
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Ape together strong
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn鈥檛 get to try any of them.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
What鈥檚 the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don鈥檛 like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That鈥檚 a window. You鈥檙e staring at our gardner, Gary.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: I鈥檓 in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can鈥檛 be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn鈥檛 do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*