When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.