“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.