“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
🤣🤣🤣
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”