Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.