I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.