Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.