“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Just me and my debit card against the world
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.