Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..