Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
ready to be harvested
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit