Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
You Might Also Like
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I have many caverns
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Catercrombie & Fish
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move