I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
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[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.