Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
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I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Writing, She Murdered.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?