I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”