Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.