Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Good boy 😂😂
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.