I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.