Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
is this meant to deter me
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.