With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft