I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.