Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.