I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You Might Also Like
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
BRAKING NEWS!!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.