My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.