turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I need a headline like this
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Sooo many times…..
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS