When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
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I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker