me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
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Coffee for people with no kids
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
are there any atheist mantises?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain