mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.