Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
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Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
she has a point
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*