Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.