Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
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this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
philosophical skeletons be like
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?