“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
no one ever comes back
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]