I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Self-cleaning conscience
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.