Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
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If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.