People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”