Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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selfie game
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Holy shit he’s back
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really