Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Miscakes
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
How I’d get arrested…
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it