“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Made something I’m not proud of
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
They’re the worst 😩
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo