*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
beware of dog
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My safe word is Worcestershire
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking