Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
the saddest jazz hands ever
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot