joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.