Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
You Might Also Like
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I am all good here, 😂😉
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.