“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
channeling her this year
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.