[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.