In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank