Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State