“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
This a good idea
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.